The Official PG Jokes...

[JChang]

Titanic song remake for Orkut
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every time in my orkut
I see you. I scrap you.
That is how I know you
go on...

Far across the Scrap Book
And testimonials between us
You have come to show you. Go on..

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
Once more you logged on
And you're here in my scrap book
And my scrap book will go on and on

Testimonials can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're friends

Love was when I saw your friends list
One true time I held on her 'about me',
In my life I'll surely view her/his profile

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the friends list does go on
There is some amazing profile that will not
go away

You're here, there's so much to fear,
And I know that my friend will know I checked her/him out

We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my friends list
And my friends list will go on and on..

 

[JChang]

Types of Farts!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its
great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the
person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

 

[Conscript]

http://www.sandstorming.com/doc/gta_hotcoffeemod_cartoon.jpg

Funny cartoon. rather old. But funny.

 

[superlative56]

nice one blackrider

 

[Desolator]

Hehehe good one. A young cousin of mine started pushing every1 he saw in the house and calling them names. Reason u guess it. They baned him from the PS2 rom

 

[Stuge]

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-wh-nsawiretapping,0,1906650.flash

 

[Farakh]

Some people may find these Jokes offensive.

What's the difference between Smarties and Commuter?
Smarties Don't melt in the tube.

What was Lady Diana's favourite shampoo?
Head and Shoulders, they found it spread all over the dashboard.

What's the difference between and Priest and an Acne?
Acne don't come on a 8 years old face.

 

[Chandoo]

What's the difference between and Priest and an Acne?
Acne don't come on a 8 years old face.

oh my god lol..

 

[devilscallmedad]

What's the difference between and Priest and an Acne?
Acne don't come on a 8 years old face.

spoken like a true south park fan

 

[JChang]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

 

[Fahad007]

Great Post Jchange I realy Like It

 

[JChang]

What Shakespeare really meant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such
fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a
number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were
all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis
size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate.
A lot.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

 

[Stuge]

See this --> http://www.cube-works.co.jp/works/pcgadget/humpingmovie.html

 

[Fahad007]

Tech Support Calls

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....


**********


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


**********


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


**********


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


**********


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


**********


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


**********


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


**********


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


**********


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


**********


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


**********


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


**********


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


**********


And last but not least...


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

[JChang]

The Robbery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.' Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

 

[JChang]

God is in joking mood

​

A man was praying to god.

He said, " God ?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to y ou?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, " God can I have a penny ?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!.......just a second ."

********

​

 

[JChang]

Today's Joke: Women oh Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are well dressed, She thinks you are play boy. If you are not, She thinks you are a begger.

If you kiss her, She thinks you r not a gentleman. If you don't, She thinks you are not a man.

If you praise her, She thinks you are a lier. If u don't she thinks, You are good for nothing.

If you visit her often, She thinks u are boring. If you don't she accuses, You for double crossing.

If u visit another girl, She accuses you for being cheat. If she is visited by another guy, She says "oh..! its natural! we are girls..!

If you propose love within a brief time, You are a freash guy. If you propose love later, She wonders why

If you are jealous, She says its bad. If your not she doubts , Your love and is not glad.

If you attempt romance, She thinks you don't respect her. If you don't, She thinks you don't like her.

If you listen , She wants to talk. If you wanna talk, She also wants to talk.

Oh women..! you are so simple, Yet so complex....

You are so weak, Yet so powerful..... Your so confusing , Yet so desirable!


​

 

[na33m]

Joke: Three women eating ice-cream

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies

"No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!" :mushy:

 

[Stuge]

lol hahaha :

 

[r3aper]

Bwahahahahha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Rofl