The Official PG Jokes...

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
What are the three fastest ways of communication?

  • Telephone
  • Television
  • Tell-a-woman.
The positive thinking poem.

  • Little birdy in the sky,
  • You look up and it shits in your eye.
  • You don't mind and you don't cry,
  • You just thank God that cows don't fly.
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
Hey guys here some thing to chear you guys up...



STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in! one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of
the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the
day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I
be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the
disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The
others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at
the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted
doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
Here are some more Jokes for you guys hope you laugh...and forget what happen to PG and laugh you way on the top sopt again.:D


1. I“ve written a poem for you:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
you should know what you are,
and once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.

2. Hi i am dying to c u, i want to talk to u seriously, but I cant get 2 u, dis stupid gatekeeper is asking me 4 a ticket to enter the zoo!

3. The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass flowers 2.
If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

4. what is the difference between MONKEY and DONKEY ?
MONKEY will read this message and DONKEY will skip this message ...
What you will do ?

5. Interviewer: what is your birth date?
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
Ask For Salary Increase.

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$ In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon. Your$ $incerely, Norman $oh



The next day, the employee recieved this letter


Dear NOrman,I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.Yours truly, Manager
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
LAW OF THE JUNGLE
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked
both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a
pair of Nikes.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you
run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to
run faster than you".

So that the Tiger can catch u not me hehehehe...
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
Tony from Italy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tony had come over from Italy a short time ago and his English was not very
good.

His wife had a bad case of crabs in her pubic hair, so Tony went to the drug
store and asked the clerk, "My wife, she has'a bugs in the bush".

The clerk though that Tony's wife had insects in her garden and gave Tony a
bottle of insecticide and told him to use one tablespoon per gallon and spray
the bushes and that would get rid of the bugs.

Tony took the insecticide home and thought the infestation in her pubic hair was
so bad, he would spray it on straight out of the bottle.

Several weeks later Tony was in the drug store and the clerk ask him, "How are
the bugs in the bush doing?"

Tony said, "The bugs, they are gone, my wife's bush all gone, too. By the way
you hear about my neighbor Joe?". "He had a beautiful mustache and it all fell
out and later that week Joe died.
 
Jan 18, 2007
983
2
24
Rawalpindi, PK
uff ..it sucks ..i dont remember any jokes :/ ... these jokes here are pretty good JChang


normally .. i laugh at very minor things ..this is a an ISSUE actually ..in the class specially ..when very serious lectures are going on ..and some of my stupid friends would do something funny.i. just cant stop my smile and/or laugh at times ... most of the times it means an early EXIT from the class

one of my computer instructors has this habit ...whenever he sees me laughing in the class ..he'd just ask me if it was a joke and if it was then i shud tell it to the whole class ..now here again ... i dont have many jokes to tell ..so i just keep quit and that simply makes the professor say onething "Abbas, aap class se baahir jaasaktay hain" :(

anyway ... that shows how bad i am at telling jokes .. here's something thats my alternative for what i was supposed to write here ..i hope you guys enjoy it .. unless u hav a boring personality and are not interested in poetry :)

Chand sitaray teray naam.
Khaab hamaray teray naam..
Rim Jhim Barish teray naam..
Jhil Mil Taaray teray naam..
Tu Thora sa apna hai......
Aur hum Saaray teray naam..
Khushbu aur sardi ki Dhoob..
Meray Pyaray teray naaaam..
Titli, Badal, Rung, Bahar..
Mausam Saaray teray naam...
Dunia hum say haar gaii..
Aur hum haaray teray naam..
Chanda, Phool, Mohabbat, Dhoop..
Kitnay Pyaray teray naaam..!!~
 

Moinz

Member
Jan 18, 2007
87
0
11
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
 

Moinz

Member
Jan 18, 2007
87
0
11
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine
. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
 

Moinz

Member
Jan 18, 2007
87
0
11

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
 

Moinz

Member
Jan 18, 2007
87
0
11
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
 

Moinz

Member
Jan 18, 2007
87
0
11
A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
 

Moinz

Member
Jan 18, 2007
87
0
11
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
 

Stuge

Gadget Lover
Jan 18, 2007
2,197
4
43
38
India,Delhi
networkwalkman.blogspot.com
I-POD in an Underwear ..This is quite an old one

from here
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: My Loving Wife....
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the
e-mail.
Meanwhile...
Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from
relatives and friends.After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now,and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey
is as uneventful as mine was.
Regards,
Ur Loving Husband.
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
Today's Joke: HRD Notice of a company to employees!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear STAFF,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise
the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume
you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you
do not need a raise.


2) ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.


3) LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


4) SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


5) SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


6) INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from
your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10 MB
connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3
months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,
HRD
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
Look at the world as one big chocolate cake.
It would never be complete without few sweets n nuts.
Sweets like ME and nuts like YOU.

When u feel sad....
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
"damn I am really sooo cute" u will overcome ur sadness.
But don't make this a habit.....
Coz liars go to hell !!!!

Your brain will be refreshed in the next five seconds.....

5......



4.......



3.......



2.......



1........



LOADING.....


ERROR: no brain detected.
 

JChang

Souls Collator!!!
Jan 18, 2007
1,906
4
43
40
Inside your Head!!!
No Wonder Teachers Go "Crazy" With Children...


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta
got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Consoles can't even catch a break in titles developed exclusively for them 😢
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    "All of this lends the game distinctly last-gen look at times, which is compounded by image quality and frame-rate issues."
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Link
  • Chandoo Chandoo:
    no jokes.
    Link
  • Chandoo Chandoo:
    faraany3k said:
    So while Playing Control, I found a journal which said that a bathroom is missing in Islamabad Beurue of Control. With Alan Wake and Control seems to be connected worlds. Even our city is in the universe as well. No wonder those Trail 5 and Trail 6 are haunted.
    did you know you can see @NaNoW credited in the game too ? :p
    Link
  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    So while Playing Control, I found a journal which said that a bathroom is missing in Islamabad Beurue of Control. With Alan Wake and Control seems to be connected worlds. Even our city is in the universe as well. No wonder those Trail 5 and Trail 6 are haunted.
    Link
  • EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard:
    faraany3k said:
    What is peoples obsession with Battle Royale genre. 6 minutes to find a match, 3 minutes to setup a match, 2 minutes to land, 10 minutes for scavanging maybe 2 3 gunfigts and its over. Multiplayer landscape is looking absolute dogshit.
    I tried playing Apex Legends once. Couldn't find a gun for 5 minutes straight. If I found a gun, I couldn't find the right ammo for it. Got killed fighting with my fists. Uninstalled it the next day.
    Link
  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    What is peoples obsession with Battle Royale genre. 6 minutes to find a match, 3 minutes to setup a match, 2 minutes to land, 10 minutes for scavanging maybe 2 3 gunfigts and its over. Multiplayer landscape is looking absolute dogshit.
    • Like
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  • M muneebjahangir:
    skip the villain arc
    Link
  • EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard:
    iampasha said:
    I usually stay away from animes. Vinland saga changed the way i look at my life, and my experiences within. I recommend every breathing human being to watch this animated masterpiece at least once fromstart to finish.
    After I watched it, I never felt like i watched a show. It was a friggin journey. I got way too attached to Thorfinn and seeing him grow up and find himself and get rid of all the negativity inside of him was just pure bliss.
    Link
  • iampasha iampasha:
    EternalBlizzard said:
    Vinland Saga > Berserk
    I usually stay away from animes. Vinland saga changed the way i look at my life, and my experiences within. I recommend every breathing human being to watch this animated masterpiece at least once fromstart to finish.
    • Like
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Crapcom's RE Engine expose hogaya saaeen. This shit ain't worth experiencing on any platform. 🤷‍♂️
    Link
  • Chandoo Chandoo:
    When a $399 console provides the same experience as a 4090. Yikes indeed saeen :sneaky:
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    that's a yikes saaaen
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    " Both PS5 and Series X have an unlocked frame-rate here, with performance that generally lies between 30fps and 45fps. That makes for a stuttering and inconsistent output in general play, no matter what you are doing at any given time."
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    Reactions: EternalBlizzard
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  • EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard:
    Vinland Saga > Berserk
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  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    I absolutely hate parry and Sekiro made me love it, i hate sci fi and Mass Effect made me love it. This is the definition of genre defining experiences.
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Forbidden West Complete Edition now available on your fav websites. And Nixxes showed Crapcom how it's done 👍
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    RE Engine is just utter shit for anything other than corridor design remakes
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    This is a console first developer. LMAO
    Link
  • Link
  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    With how great cod warzone has translated onto mobile. Mainstream Consoles have lost its value even further. Maybe console gaming was associated with TVs and how TV is not the primary source of media consumption anymore, consoles will lose its 200 million core audiences even further.
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Even VRR can't rescue it 🥲
    Link
  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    And yet PC version has the highest score. RIP who plays it on consoles.
    Link
    Necrokiller Necrokiller: Consoles can't even catch a break in titles developed exclusively for them 😢