The Official PG Jokes...

[JChang]

Today's Joke: If you love Someone!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

THE NEW VERSIONS.....

Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:

If you love someone,
Set her free
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Playful:

If you love someone,
Set her free
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again

Bill Gates :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but
tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Finance expert :

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad!

 

[JChang]

In a poor zoo of Pakistan, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
One day the lion thought it's prayers were answered when a US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a US zoo.
The lion was pleased and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card.
On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely, for breakfast. It opened the bag quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas.
Controlling its anger, the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from Pakistan. The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, "Don't you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What' s wrong with your management? What nonsense is this ? Why are you delivering bananas to me?"
The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa !!!

 

[JChang]

Today's Joke: TOO EASY the doctors assistant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Doctor wanted to go hunting, he calls his secretary HASSOUN and tells him Ya
Hassoun, I am going hunting tomorrow, we don't want to close the Clinic, I ask
you to take care of our patients. Yes, sir...... answers Hassoun.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: So Hassoun, how was
your day?. Hassoun tells him he took care of 3 patients.

The first one had a headache and I gave him TYLENOL. Bravo ya Hassoun, and the
second one?

The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir. Bravo ya Hassoun
''you're good at this''and the third one?

Sir, I was sitting, suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a "flame"
and undresses herself, taking off her bra, "NICE BIG ONES SIR" and then take off
her panties "Oh MY GOSH"..... then she jump and sleeps on the table and shouts:
"HELP ME since 5 years I have not seen any man!"

And what did you do Hassoun?

It was easy, I put eye drops in her eyes sir!

 

[Conscript]

Lol funny jokes. Man keep it up man.

 

[JChang]

Thanks..I will dont worry and enjoy the jokes.

 

[JChang]

Today's Joke: All about an Engineers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Engineer Identification Test

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You ...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C," but partial credit can be given to anyone who writes
"It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing
on marketing.


Social Skills

* Get it over with as soon as possible
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects


Fascination with Gadgets

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two categories:

1. Things that need to be fixed
2. Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with
them.


Fashion and Appearance

Engineers are generally satisfied with their clothing if basic thresholds for
temperature and decency have been satisfied.


Dating and Social Life

Dating is never easy for engineers. Engineers are incapable of placing
appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They
are widely recognized as superior marriage material: Intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house.


How to get there attention!

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the
problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem
until it's solved.

You're a True Engineer if you oblige with any of the above mentioned lines...!!

 

[Fahad007]

I Think I Am Gay(not me)


Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said
to the doctor, "I wanted to see you because I think I am
gay."

"Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?"

"Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father."

"That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We
don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary."

"Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay."

"Really?" said the doctor, intrigued. "That's right. And so
are my two uncles and my cousin."

"That IS uncanny," said the psychiatrist, his interest
greatly piqued.

"Tell me, isn't there anyone in your family who has sex with
women?"

"Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister...":muscles:

 

[Fahad007]

Bus For Alaska

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want
to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story,
they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started,
"You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for
that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said,
"Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

 

[Fahad007]

Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "This check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

 

[Fahad007]

Welfare Client
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know,
I just HATE drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes. but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours. meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage
.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[Fahad007]

Why it is good to be a man?

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

 

[dejavu87]

good one lolzzz....

 

[fady]

Two sides of the story
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!
So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.
But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.
I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???


His side of the story:

Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.

 

[fady]

Little Nancy
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Little Nancy
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

 

[fady]

Anniversary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

 

[fady]

What Men Really Mean.
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

[Stuge]

A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having
difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local
schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had
been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.

Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn't noticed a
W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet),
so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.

The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish
priest and together they decided that it must mean
"Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:

Dear Madame,

It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C.
just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of
pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on
Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation
if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, no
doubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their
lunches and make a day of it.

I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there
is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C.
are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.

My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush
for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The
looks on their faces were very interesting.

My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't go regularly,
and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.

I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you,
where you will be seen and heard by everyone.

Hoping I have been of some assistance.

Sincerely yours,

The Schoolmaster

 

[fady]

man this n the to my wife one r freakin awesomE......

 

[JChang]

Today's Joke: All about MARRIAGE without any prejudice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.


Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands
before the fight begins!


Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.


Aadmi shaadi kyon karta hai?
Takee vo marne ke baad agar Swarg jaye to achcha feel kare
aur agar Nark jaye to homely feel kare...

Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?
To tell each other affectionately. ..
Sweetheart U R Dead!


There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

 

[Stuge]

Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?
To tell each other affectionately. ..
Sweetheart U R Dead!

This is Hilarious .