The Official PG Jokes...

[armada]

At the Russian military academy. The commanding general of the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.


An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative. <br

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."


Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.4 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"


The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."


After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "DO WE HAVE ENOUGH JEWS TO PULL THAT OFF " ???

 

[armada]

A man way up north up in the western UP woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "UP North Bear Removers."

He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour. The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.


"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

 

[armada]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.

It read: ‘If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.


If you are laughing, send me your smile.


If you are eating, send me a bite.


If you are drinking send me a sip.


If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!’


The husband, being the typical non-romantic male, texted her back: ‘I am on the toilet. Please advise.’

 

[armada]

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

[armada]

A True Story About A Medical School Entrance Exam!


A friend of mine was intent on going to medical school. The entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.


One of the questions was: “Rearrange the letters ( P N E S I ) to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect”.


Those who spelled “SPINE” became doctors…


The rest ended up in Pakistan Parliament…

 

[NaNoW]

[MENTION=41864]armada[/MENTION] : these are good man..keep em coming!

 

[armada]

[MENTION=4177]NaNoW[/MENTION] thank you, keep laughing.

A young boy asked his father the difference between "Potentially & Realistiically".

The dad told his son to go ask his mom if she'd sleep w/ Brad Pitt for a million dollars. The mom's reply was "I'd love to for a million dollars".

Dad told his son to ask his sister if she'd sleep w/ Brad Pitt for a million dollars. The sister replied, "Hell yes! I love Brad Pitt".

Dad then told his son to go ask his brother the same question. The brother replied, "Oh, yeah I would in a heartbeat!"

After he got his answers he came back to his dad. Dad asked him, "So, did you figure out the answer to your original question?" The boy replied, "Sure did. Potentially we are sitting on $3 million dollars, but realistically we're living with 2 Abuses will lead to bans and a queen"

 

[armada]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.


And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'


And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.


I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.


Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,




'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

[armada]

Subject: Lie Detecting Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "OK, OK we were watching porn.

" Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the dad.


Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mom ........

 

[armada]

Goodbye Daddy

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.


He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"


He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[armada]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.


The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband "Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes".


A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes" the blonde replied "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats".

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you" the blonde said "And by the way - it's not a Porch, it's a BMW!"


[MENTION=63054]Dslayer[/MENTION] [MENTION=4177]NaNoW[/MENTION] [MENTION=21338]mubaidr[/MENTION] [MENTION=26661]Cerberus[/MENTION]

 

[Dslayer]

[MENTION=41864]armada[/MENTION] a really nice one but i read it on one of the previous pages. I think u didn't knew.

 

[armada]

I wasn't active on forums for very long time you can check my ID made date and second or third post there is huge gap, anyways I'm sorry to the first joke poster

[MENTION=63054]Dslayer[/MENTION]

 

[Dslayer]

[MENTION=41864]armada[/MENTION] same is the case with me i remember making an id like a year or two ago i recently started using pg so often. Its like a new fb to me

Btw really entertaining jokes keep'em coming

 

[Cerberus]

[MENTION=41864]armada[/MENTION]
lol great,
wo to uski bhi baap nikli

 

[armada]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.


Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quckly dressed and left.


As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"


With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"


Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

 

[Dslayer]

[MENTION=41864]armada[/MENTION] best one man

 

[armada]

After a terrible, heated argument my wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay?!"

 

[armada]

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, three cans... unfaithful... I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

John answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”

 

[armada]

You people ain't got no jokes what a sad nation