The Official PG Jokes...

Deandresst

New member
Sep 28, 2013
7
0
1
Accidental bonding

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.


After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."


The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."


The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."


She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
 

Sweet

Talented
Feb 15, 2013
96
0
11
Into the stars
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their
mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other
better since relations between them were very sour.


Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the
daughters-in-law.


Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was
involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were
all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably for what they
perceived to be her loss
.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so
hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?"


To which she replied,
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!



_____



Hilarious Apology Letter.....

A School Master from a remote rural area was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...

Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, a*s I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.I putted a complain on station masterji. He said I to go to the lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

a*s a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life. I hope u will look into explain my hole story after, and late me joint first. I am now ending this fastly.

I am a waiter for your responsement. May god blast you. :lol:
 
Last edited:

Sweet

Talented
Feb 15, 2013
96
0
11
Into the stars
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m

afraid they’ll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

The priest answered: “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!” :lol::lol:


------------


An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again,

but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere

you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now

you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?


------------


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their

secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." :D:p


Spoiler: show

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy
looks edible, never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him
and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”. Over
by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can
benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll
get him together”. So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what
happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “where the
hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

- - - Updated - - -

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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Sweet

Talented
Feb 15, 2013
96
0
11
Into the stars
18+

Spoiler: show

Kid fails in exam.

Dad: Hereafter, don`t call me dad.

Kid: Oh come on dad, it was just a school test not the DNA test.

-----------

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
..
.
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I’ll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already !!

-----------

Sales girl : sorry, u cant smoke here,

Customer : but i bought cigarettes from here..

Sales girl : sir we sell condoms too,
but it doesn't mean u start fu*king here....

-----------

TENSION : When wife is pregnant !!
TERROR : When girlfriend is pregnant !!
HORROR : When both r pregnant !!!
TRAGEDY : When you are not Responsible !!!!

-----------

Grand father to Grand son:
Go hide!..... Your teacher is here because you bunked school today!

Grand Son:
NOOoooooo. ......You go and hide… I told her I'm on a leave because you passed away today

-----------

Irony of a woman.

All the day she:
Puts make up

... Puts Sexy Perfume

And Makes the best hairstyle

Finally, People look at her and
say:"WoW Nice a$$"

-----------



 
Last edited:

Sweet

Talented
Feb 15, 2013
96
0
11
Into the stars
Subject: Simple maths?

Makes sense to me!

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? ...

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from ?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fu*king cat.


- - - Updated - - -



Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell yiou something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

Dad Fainted.

18+
Spoiler: show




- - - Updated - - -


A young couple.were having financial problems so the husband talks the wife into prostituting herself to earn some money, she protests that she knows nothing about that kind of thing but he reassures her.
"I'll be your pimp and I'll be standing nearby the whole time, everything will be OK"


So that night she is standing on a street corner and a guy pulls up in a brand new car. He winds the window down.
"How much for full sex?" she asks him to wait and runs round the corner to her husband.
"He wants to know how much"
"Mmm, that's a nice car, ask for £500"
So off she goes but the punter tells her he only has £100, she runs round the corner and her husband says "Tell him for £100 he can have a blow job"

She goes back and tells him and the man agrees, so she gets in the car and he unbuttons his trousers and gets his massive c**k out and the woman can't believe her eyes.
"Wow" she says,"wait there"


She runs out of the car and says to her husband. "Don't be a b**tard Joe, lend him £400"


- - - Updated - - -


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.


“Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments almost to a climax of his c**k and balls then asked, “How does that feel”?


“Feels great thanks”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”

 

Dslayer

Active member
Feb 1, 2013
263
2
23
RWp
Sardar gusse se:
'Waiter'
Chiken biryani me chiken hi nahi hai?'
.
.
.
.
.
Waiter:

'Sahab gulab jamn me konsa gulab hota hai?'
?
?
?
Sardar:
"Han yar sorrY":
 

Dslayer

Active member
Feb 1, 2013
263
2
23
RWp
Puri Dunya Se Pathan Ne 1 Sawal Kia Ke 4 Ko 5 K Beech mein Likh Kar Dikhao.

Chines Ne Kaha: Joke
Japanes: Impossible
USA: Wrong Question
Indian: Foolish Question
PATHAN Bola: Bohat Aasaan
Us Ne Likh Kar Dikha Dia,
Look,
.

..



F(IV)E,

World Shocked
PATHAN Rocked

(,")/!
<) )
_//_
geo pathan...:)
 

Dslayer

Active member
Feb 1, 2013
263
2
23
RWp
Teacher: Bacho batao k billi 1 sath itnay
saray bachay kaisay paida karti hay?

Kid: Miss agar aap road pay billi ki
tarah ghoomo to aap ko pata chal jayega…

- - - Updated - - -

PoLice : How Did u kiLL 30 people?

Sardar : Main gadi tez chala reya c. Jadon break lai, tay brekan fail ho gaian. Hun ik pasay 2 bandey tay doojay pasay ik barat ja rai c.

Hun tusi daso main gadi kidar marda?

Police: 2 admion ki tarf,thora nuqsan hota.

Sardar: Main v ehi sochya. Par jado main ona val gadi mori..

O nus k barat wich warr gaye.:-
 

Dslayer

Active member
Feb 1, 2013
263
2
23
RWp
@funy_raja: Agr 18 Sal ki Larki jhuk kr Salam kry tu apko uski kya chez nazr ayegi?

.

.

Us ki achi tarbiat,
Yar hath j0rta h0n kbi to sahi s0cha kr..
 

Dslayer

Active member
Feb 1, 2013
263
2
23
RWp
1 Sardar Lassi Pi Raha Tha.

BOY: Sardar G Lassi Wich Makkhi Ae..

Sardar: Fir Ki Ho Gya !
Dil Wada Hona Chaida,
Makkhi Ne Kinni Pe Leni Ae.
 

Dslayer

Active member
Feb 1, 2013
263
2
23
RWp
Husband ne Hotel Room se Manager ko Call ki :
,
Plz. Come Fast! Meri BV Mujh se Jhagra kar k ab Kirki se Challang Lagana Chahti He...
,
MANAGER : "Sir!,
I am Sorry, Ye Aap ka Personal Matter He."
,
Husband :Tera bhera ghark ho jaldi uper aa....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
Kirki nahi khol rahi...:p:-D
 

armada

Proficient
Oct 14, 2011
787
0
22
Dinga city Gujrat
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.

But I don't know how to pray," he replies.

Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father.

"Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN

Dinner was cancelled
 

armada

Proficient
Oct 14, 2011
787
0
22
Dinga city Gujrat
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. I am past sixty-five.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"
"Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't" I said.

He asked "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No" I said... he looked at me and said "Then, why do you even give a sh!t?
 

armada

Proficient
Oct 14, 2011
787
0
22
Dinga city Gujrat
Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous.


They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.


The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.


The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
 

armada

Proficient
Oct 14, 2011
787
0
22
Dinga city Gujrat
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell. While there, they spied a red phone and asked what the phone was for. The devil told them it was for calling back to Earth.

Putin asked to call Russia and talked for 5 minutes. When he was finished, the devil informed him that the cost was ONE million dollars, so Putin wrote him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth called England and talked for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informed her that the cost was SIX million dollars, so she wrote him a check.

Finally George Bush got his turn and talked for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that the cost was $5.00. When Putin heard this he went ballistic and asked the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiled and replied: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to Hell, so it's a local call.
 

armada

Proficient
Oct 14, 2011
787
0
22
Dinga city Gujrat
Letter to a Mens Help Line.......


"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?"
 
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  • EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard:
    Why is everybody so hyped up about this overrated piece of trash called unicorn overlord
    Link
  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    I dont think games have looked any better since 2019 onwards and they are performing worse and worse. Game developers have really dropped the ball.
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Consoles can't even catch a break in titles developed exclusively for them 😢
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    "All of this lends the game distinctly last-gen look at times, which is compounded by image quality and frame-rate issues."
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
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  • Chandoo Chandoo:
    no jokes.
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  • Chandoo Chandoo:
    faraany3k said:
    So while Playing Control, I found a journal which said that a bathroom is missing in Islamabad Beurue of Control. With Alan Wake and Control seems to be connected worlds. Even our city is in the universe as well. No wonder those Trail 5 and Trail 6 are haunted.
    did you know you can see @NaNoW credited in the game too ? :p
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  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    So while Playing Control, I found a journal which said that a bathroom is missing in Islamabad Beurue of Control. With Alan Wake and Control seems to be connected worlds. Even our city is in the universe as well. No wonder those Trail 5 and Trail 6 are haunted.
    Link
  • EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard:
    faraany3k said:
    What is peoples obsession with Battle Royale genre. 6 minutes to find a match, 3 minutes to setup a match, 2 minutes to land, 10 minutes for scavanging maybe 2 3 gunfigts and its over. Multiplayer landscape is looking absolute dogshit.
    I tried playing Apex Legends once. Couldn't find a gun for 5 minutes straight. If I found a gun, I couldn't find the right ammo for it. Got killed fighting with my fists. Uninstalled it the next day.
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  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    What is peoples obsession with Battle Royale genre. 6 minutes to find a match, 3 minutes to setup a match, 2 minutes to land, 10 minutes for scavanging maybe 2 3 gunfigts and its over. Multiplayer landscape is looking absolute dogshit.
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  • M muneebjahangir:
    skip the villain arc
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  • EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard:
    iampasha said:
    I usually stay away from animes. Vinland saga changed the way i look at my life, and my experiences within. I recommend every breathing human being to watch this animated masterpiece at least once fromstart to finish.
    After I watched it, I never felt like i watched a show. It was a friggin journey. I got way too attached to Thorfinn and seeing him grow up and find himself and get rid of all the negativity inside of him was just pure bliss.
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  • iampasha iampasha:
    EternalBlizzard said:
    Vinland Saga > Berserk
    I usually stay away from animes. Vinland saga changed the way i look at my life, and my experiences within. I recommend every breathing human being to watch this animated masterpiece at least once fromstart to finish.
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Crapcom's RE Engine expose hogaya saaeen. This shit ain't worth experiencing on any platform. 🤷‍♂️
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  • Chandoo Chandoo:
    When a $399 console provides the same experience as a 4090. Yikes indeed saeen :sneaky:
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    that's a yikes saaaen
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    " Both PS5 and Series X have an unlocked frame-rate here, with performance that generally lies between 30fps and 45fps. That makes for a stuttering and inconsistent output in general play, no matter what you are doing at any given time."
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  • EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard:
    Vinland Saga > Berserk
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  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    I absolutely hate parry and Sekiro made me love it, i hate sci fi and Mass Effect made me love it. This is the definition of genre defining experiences.
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    Forbidden West Complete Edition now available on your fav websites. And Nixxes showed Crapcom how it's done 👍
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    RE Engine is just utter shit for anything other than corridor design remakes
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  • Necrokiller Necrokiller:
    This is a console first developer. LMAO
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  • faraany3k faraany3k:
    With how great cod warzone has translated onto mobile. Mainstream Consoles have lost its value even further. Maybe console gaming was associated with TVs and how TV is not the primary source of media consumption anymore, consoles will lose its 200 million core audiences even further.
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    EternalBlizzard EternalBlizzard: Why is everybody so hyped up about this overrated piece of trash called unicorn overlord